While many in blog-land go wordless on Wednesdays...not me. Not today...there's too much swirling around in my head. My leave from work is quickly coming to an end...and in many ways I have no clue where the time went or what the heck we did. There was so much I was going to do...so many people I was going to see...but somehow, I managed to only accomplish "so much" and didn't do it all. And, because I am that type of, it just wasn't enough. I failed.
Leo's blanket still needs to be sewn together (first I need to put my new sewing machine together).
Pennants were going to be hung in Leo's room (still need to be cut out, sewn, and hung).
Christmas shopping was going to be done by the time I went back to work (not a gift list started or a gift purchased).
Pictures from Korea were going to be put in frames and books (they at least got ordered and are sitting on the dining room table - including 33 copies of a really bad picture and 17 copies of another bad and insignificant picture due to the haste in which i ordered them - just to be able to "cross it off the to do list").
Thoughtful letters and emails would be written to those I've been missing and need to catch-up with (instead short replies from my sweet little smart phone).
There's too many people I failed to get together with for coffee, lunch, or a weekend gathering (and that's fun stuff to do that i couldn't even get it done).
Important blog posts remain unwritten (namely, i missed sharing about Leo's 15 month milestone and the one year anniversary of this blog)
You get the idea.
And, as lovely and perfect as I make our life to be here on the blog, I am sure you are thinking "how on earth wasn't she able to get those things done?!" Well...life has not been all prefect and rosy in our household since we got back from Korea...not by a long shot. For me, this blog captures the "big picture" - as it should. It serves the purpose of keeping me focused on the good times as well as what's important in life...so in that sense, it truly is providing an accurate reflection of all the good things going on. But, it therefore also has had a weakness of not always highlighting the trying times like maybe it ought to...'cause those are important memories and feelings too.
For instance...just in the last week (or so) I have:
1. questioned my parenting abilities too many times to count
2. broken Drew's bike training wheel when it fell out of the back of the vehicle when I opened the tailgate (if it had not been 70 degrees in November, we would not have gone for the bike ride and this would not have happened) and, of course, need to special order it's replacement
3. locked the keys in the vehicle...and realized this in the parking lot with a cart full of refrigerated and frozen items...and just in time for lunch/nap
4. incurred a parking lot accident with only my vehicle getting damaged
5. ripped a hole in the knee of my favorite jeans
6. gotten a bill for the full amount of Leo's doctor visit (this is the second time I've gotten this bill, I already questioned it once with the insurance company) - it's a ridiculous amount!!! (and, just so you know, i did check with the insurance company prior to the appointment to make sure the provider was in the network and that the services were covered; they were useless in providing me any information and i am now quite embarrassed to work for an medical insurance company and, most likely, be stuck with this bill despite asking the right questions at the right time. so pissed)
7. been head-butted by my youngest son more than once
8. been called names and screamed at by my oldest son on multiple occasions ("favorite" names being 'stupid head' and 'poopy breath')
9. lost the effectiveness of giving a time-out
10. worried about a child that has a fever, is throwing up, and not sleeping like he has been for quite some time at nap or during the night thanks to immunizations, teething, and who know what else
11. cried...more than once...or twice
I am up to my [tear-swelling] eyeballs with much around me...I have no idea what's going on, but really, there's only so much a girl can take. Or, maybe I do know some of the stuff that's making me bonkers.............
Drew...oh, sweet boy, where did you go?! On more occasions than not (and especially on those two days a week that I'm home with both boys), he is a complete pain in my buttocks. I get it. I do. There's a new little dude in the house that needs a lot of attention which therefore means attention is not always being given to the big brother. It sucks for me too...I hate that there's so much independent play for Drew on what has been, for the last 2 years "Mommy & Drew days", that it breaks my heart. But, Drew's not listening, screaming, crying, name-calling tantrums have got to stop...these outbursts break my heart even more- and my putting him in time-out what seems like constantly really, really just kills me. (and with the high pitched screams that Drew does and has now taught Leo, I feel like the worst mom in the whole world. Just terrible. I want my Drew back.)
Leo starts "school" next Wednesday for one practice day before he starts the standard three day week beginning on the 29th. I am dreading the whole going back to work thing...maybe mostly because I fear that I am going to have two boys acting like Drew currently is because I really won't have the time to be giving either of them the attention they deserve. I know the attachment is there and that Leo will love being around other kids and experiencing a new (and probably more fun) routine, but with that change comes fears and worries on my part that we have not done enough to help him feel safe and secure - with us or those that we leave him in the care of. I worry that all we've accomplished in three months will just vanish away and we will have to start over, only this time with less time together and a larger cast of characters. This is life, I know. But, I've been rather liking life as I've been knowing it over the past three months (tantrums and all).
So...that's a small taste of the real world going on here. My stress, worry, guilt and frustrations. Typical I am sure. Hopefully, now that it's out there, my outlook will turn a little more rosy and life can be a little more happier for all in the household.
Until next time...steer clear of me in parking lots and don't be surprised if I am wearing ear plugs (or hearing aids) the next time you see me.
15 comments:
Thank you for your honesty. I sometimes feel worse about my own lot when I read blogs that are all chipper about how easy the transition is. It isn't. And I love reading confirmation that I am not alone.
I appreciate people who put it all out there. That's real. That's life. You are doing great!
I could have written a lot of this post myself. If it makes you feel any better...
1. Our photos from Korea are also all printed, but still sitting in a shoe box...with the empty album sitting right next to said shoe box...in my closet.
2. I also had a car crunch while parking...at the library...but DID crunch another car too. With my son in the car...who said in a VERY loud voice, "UH-OH!!!" when it happened. He continued to say this as I parked the car, got out to look, and felt my heart pounding in my ears. Oh...and one week after the damage (not too bad) was fixed?...my DH got into a fender bender with the SAME car. No accidents for either of us in 15 years...and then TWO in less than 5-6 weeks. Can you say sleep deprivation?!
3. Going back to work was SO HARD. Starting "school" for D was SO HARD. It slowly got easier...but sometimes...is still hard.
4. We have had so much illness in our house this Fall...it is becoming quite insane. I want to dip us all in bleach...but probably shouldn't.
5. We FINALLY had some family photos taken over 1 year after D came home. Better late than never, I guess?
6. That Flip video camera that we just HAD to have? Hardly used. I've been trying to make a point of using it more...to remember the little moments before our son is off the college and it is all a blur.
7. I could go on & on...but won't.
LIFE...it is hard. I agree. You aren't alone.
P.S. I haven't forgotten you. I really do want our families to get together...but like your post implies...where does the time go? That plus...we had some version of illness in our home for nearly 2 months straight (someone or all of us...not pretty)! Should we try for something in the first half of Dec? Or wait until the New Year now that the holidays are upon us? I'll email you. I'm sorry...I haven't forgotten!
Sorry...I must like seeing my photo on your blog.
Computer freak out led to my long comment being posted 3 times. Let's see if I can do that trick again. Sorry.
Oh girl... I wish I could reach through the screen and give you a big hug. I have *so* been there, too many times. I know the feeling of thinking you're the worst mom on the planet.
The beautiful thing is that the kids want to forget those moments just as much as you want them to.
As for not getting the things done you wanted to, let it go. You may not have checked things off the list, but I guarantee you spent so much super-valuable time with your boys. And really, that's what matters.
Cut yourself a break, mama. You're doing great!
Oh man, thanks for keeping it real Sue. I agree with Dina - this stuff is hard and a lot of bloggers gloss over that stuff. We are all barely making it sometimes. Plus, you have TWO kids so you totally have an excuse (unlike me!) And we are here to tell you that you are actually doing a MUCH better job than you think you are. Seriously. Hug, my friend.
Yeesh...kids can be stressful, huh? My boys will be almost 8 and 11 when our baby comes home so I'm super curious as to how they will act out...because you know they will. All kids are affected somewhat I think, by a new sibling. Hang in there and I look forward to more "real" posts. It makes me feel normal:)
Hugs! I can only imagine all you've been through and I appreciate you sharing! It will get better, I'm sure. Thinking of you. Keep us posted when you get the chance. No fair beating yourself up about a to do list - you're there for your boys (all 3 of them) and that's what matters!
Oh Sue. I wish I had something smart to tell you, some bit of wisdom that would help you get through this tough patch. Know that there are people in your corner, and who are rooting for you, and know you are a great mama, and who will be here for you anytime you need to share the "real" you. xoxo
I wish there was something I could say to make it all better...You are an excellent mom with two beautiful boys who love you very much. Trust me, your friends (especially ones like me who are single without kids) are amazed by all you manage to get done in a day. So, don't be too hard on yourself and don't beat yourself up!
By the way, it should make you feel somewhat better to know that my photos from my New Zealand trip last Christmas are only half downloaded from my camera. And the few I managed download and print are sitting on my desk at work (where they have been for 8 months)! Love you and miss you!
Here's one of my favorite quotes:
"Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans."
John Lennon from "Beautiful Boy"
Take a moment, take a deep breath, check in with the big guy, it will all be okay. I promise. It may not be easy, it may not be right this minute, but it will all be okay. Love you mostest!
The posts from all your other friends are so true. You aren't alone as we've all been there -- ready to pull our hair out, feeling like we aren't as good as we know we should be and just getting through the day.
Just remember how much we all love you and know we are ready to lend a shoulder, ear, hand, whatever you need.... just like you do so often for everyone else.
I miss you and am so glad we'll finally be able to get the families together this weekend!!
Love you!
Oh, Sue. I feel like I could cry for you... and me! While I wouldn't be able to write the same post... I'd be close. And I only have one child who has been home 16 months!! Everything is spiraling out of control, and part of my "school time for S" is spent getting pieces of my life back in check. Seriously. I know I'm late to this party (because I got to fly solo last week while fighting the flu - FUN.) but please, please, please know you are not alone. Hugs... hang in there, ok?!
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