say what

Questions.
Inspiring ones.
Awkward ones.
Ignorant ones.
Perplexing ones.
Sweet ones.
Silly ones.

Since Leo's been home with us, we've had a lot of positive questions, comments, and support from friends, family and strangers.  Much more than I ever anticipated, honestly.  But, there have been a few instances where I've thought "Say WHAT?!?".  None of them have been over the top get-me-all-flustered-and-mad...but still, they've stayed on my mind.

Is your son Korean?

Right before Christmas, Leo and I were on a very focused mission at a local mega-craft store.  We were up and down every aisle with eyes peeled for brown twine when all of a sudden I heard “Is your son Korean?”  At first I panicked a bit thinking…”Oh, no.  Mark this date.  This is going be my first negative “conversation” with a total stranger in a public place about multicultural adoption.”  But, then, in the millisecond between that thought and me stopping the cart and saying “Yes, he is”.  I realized that if this was going to be a negative conversation, she probably would not think Leo could be Korean.  And so my defensive guard dropped a bit.  She replied…while her biological daughter stood up from looking at something on the bottom shelf…saying “How long have you been home with him? We brought our son home from Korea four years ago tomorrow.”  The next day actually marked four months home for Leo.  We chit-chatted a bit and then I said we had to go find dad and big brother at the sports store next door.  She asked if Leo’s brother was Korean too…as immaterial as that question was…I did not get offended or annoyed with it…I just answered “No, he’s biological.” And suddenly two complete strangers, in the suburbs of the Twin Cities, shared a whole bunch in common.  It was a wonderful encounter…one that gave me a glimpse into my future and somehow a lot more confidence in being an adoptive mom.  

[BTW…no brown twine at craft store.]

Cute boys.  Are they both yours? Did you adopt him?

Duh! Of course!!  Isn’t obvious that I am their mother?!

Nope, not what I said trying to get through the grocery check-out…but really, it was a strange conversation starter.  In the end, all the nice employee lady wanted to convene was that she supported adoption.  Amen.

But when you think about it...the question was just plain weird.  After I said "yes" she went on to ask if I adopted Leo.  I thought "well, yeah.  I think that is a pretty safe assumption" but later realized that I suppose I could have had Drew and then married an Asian man that already had a 16-month old and became that child's stepmother...cause that's a common occurrence.  She went on to ask a few more bizzare questions that I've erased from my mind.  I guess all I am trying to say here is that it just would have been way less awkward and much cooler if she had just asked if Leo was adopted and said her bit about how great that was...because I had no clue where she was going with the conversation and I was getting pretty nervous, hot, and sweaty in my down coat and winter hat as both Drew and Leo soaked in the conversation.

Does he have any brothers or sisters?

This question was asked by an extended family member when they first met Leo over the holidays.  We responded, “yes, Drew.” And got a “Come on! You know what I mean!!!”  We again said, “yes, Drew is Leo's brother”.  And heard “No, really. Does he?”  We said “Drew and Leo are brothers.  We have no idea if Leo’s birthparents have other kids.” I quickly learned that night that some people just may never get or understand our decision to adopt...and that is OK.

Will he talk with an accent?

Again, this question was asked by an extended family member over the holidays.  A humorous approach was taken by answering “Probably Minnesotan.”  They didn’t think that was funny.  We still think it was a hilarious response.  And, I am extremely proud of Damon’s quick thinking on that one.

What’s the Korean name? But, that’s a boy’s name!

Over Leo’s baptism weekend we took Leo’s Godparents out to our local Korean restaurant.  Our waitress was smitten with Leo playing games with him, singing to him in Korean and eventually asking how old and the Korean Name.  When we told her, she said (with much surprise) "that’s a boy’s name!!"  We were all perplexed – the clothes were definitely not girly in color or style.  Maybe his hair?!  No clue.  Does Leo really look like a girl?!? Well, he must a little, because last week a nice older gentleman at the pizza place asked Damon is Leo was a girl or a boy.  Though…thinking more about that one…maybe the gentleman was just perplexed because the stereotype is that white people adopt Asian girls, right? So maybe he thought Leo really looked like a boy…but assumed he should be a girl cause that’s what people adopt…and had the courage to ask and satisfy his curiosity.  Who knows.  I am just glad it was a positive experience.  And…maybe it really is time for Leo to get another haircut.

I wish we had adopted an English kid.

Even though Drew hears Leo speak English and we have told him many times before that just because Leo is from Korea does not mean he will speak Korean automatically; that he will speak English just like we do, the other day he proclaimed his desire to have adopted a kid from England so he’d speak English.  I told him if we had done that, Leo wouldn’t be his brother.  He replied with “I’m glad we adopted from Korea then”.  Sweet...progress.

When Leo’s older, can we hang out?

"You bet Drew! You and Leo are brothers – and hopefully friends – forever!" (but, I should have added “if I were you, I’d stop tackling and hitting and taking toys away from Leo so he wants to hang out with you!”)

My wife is going to have two babies in her belly and we will adopt two babies.  Four kids.  Two girls.  And two boys.  And, I am going to tell her that when I meet her.

Good to know, Drew.  Good to know.  [And it makes me feel good and proud to know that…so far…our decision to adopt is having enough of a positive impact on Drew’s life that it’s perfectly normal and a perfectly desirable to him to want a family that embraces adoption like we have.]

Things people say…good, bad, and indifferent…often have a lasting impact.  I know that the day will come when the comment or question about Leo or our family will not be so complimentary.  I used to worry and play out scenarios of how I will respond to ignorant and/or insensitive comments and questions.  Not anymore.  I know that my response will depend on a million different things – my mood that day, who makes the comment, when and where the comment is made – and as time goes by and as we bond more and more with our amazing son, I know that I am gaining a tremendous amount of confidence to be able to handle whatever situation comes our way.  Plus, I have an amazing network of friends that will be there for us when that day comes.  No worries.

Until next time…what would you like my next post (#100) post to be about?!