what not to say

Whether intentional or not, people sure can say the most inconsiderate things when it comes to adoption. While the comments certainly get under our skin and drive us crazy, the level to which they do often depends on the relationship we have with the one making the insensitive comment. The closer the person is to us, the more I think they should really understand and sympathize with the process of adoption and how we are feeling. Unfortunately, that is not always the case.

But, what drives me even more insane is the way I freeze and politely smile without responding because I think “they just don’t know any better”. This is just so wrong on so many levels! My fear is that if I do respond, I will be so blunt, rude and (ironically) insensitive that the point I am trying to make will be lost on the person I am directing it to. So, I do nothing. I need to get over this fear…and quickly. I feel like I need an arsenal of answers prepped and ready for action.

So what are people saying?

Here are some sample scenarios.

How would you react? What would you say?

Please, help me build my set of standard responses.

When telling someone we are adopting…they go on and on about someone they know that adopted a child years ago and how TERRIBLE it was. Really? Really?! I just told you we are adopting a baby boy from Korea. Done deal. He is my son. What’s the point of you telling me this? To change my mind? Not going to happen. To scare me? Adoption is kinda a scary and uncertain process as it is; I don’t need more negativity. If you don’t have anything nice or positive to say, please just don’t say anything.

When talking about their own child, grandchild, niece/nephew, friend, cousin (whom just happens to be around the same age as Leo), people go on and on about what that child is doing and all the milestones that happen the first year. Sure, we want to hear about the excitement and proud moments in that child's life. And...ummm...we are also aware that our son is learning to roll over, eat solids, laugh, develop a personality, crawl and walk all in the first year without being able to witness it all. And, you too should realize that you are missing out on seeing Leo do all those things! And care. And, therefore, not make comments like “months four to seven are the most fun because babies are growing so much and becoming so much more aware”! Thanks. Thanks for pouring salt in the wound.

All adoptions are different. Some adoptive parents get lots and lots of info and pictures about their child at referral. Others don’t get much. There should be a code of ethics among adoptive parents to only share the bare minimum and not go on and on about all the info, pictures, and updates you have. Especially when you know that the adoptive parent that you are talking to does not have lots and lots of info, pictures and updates. Not that I am not happy for you and your child, I really am. But please put yourself in my shoes for just a moment. The roles easily could have been reversed.

All babies are born - even those that are adopted. It is difficult to hear things like “some babies are born by vaginal delivery, some babies are born by cesarean section, and some babies are adopted”. This implies that adoptees were just magically created and placed here on earth. They weren’t. They were born just like everyone else. Adoptees have birthmothers that cared for them for nine months while pregnant, delivered them, and then unselfishly relinquished them in hopes of a better life for their child. My children will always know about Leo’s birthmother. I believe that everyone’s biological children should also know that adoptees are born and then adopted. Can you picture that discussion on the playground? Some kid telling Leo he wasn’t born – just adopted!?!? I pray Damon and I can build our “bucket of good answers” in time to share them with Drew and Leo so they too are prepared when the time comes.

Those were just a few of the more recent comments (and my inaction to them) that have been driving me crazy and keeping me up at night. Please do not let my frustration frighten you to think you have to walk on eggshells around me or make you think “oh my goodness, what have I said that pissed her off?” The vast majority of our family and friends, casual acquaintances and strangers are supportive, engaged, and more than enthusiastic. And, I love each and every one of you for that. Your comments and support are always what helps me fall back asleep when my mind wanders and I get all worked up in the middle of the night. I am forever grateful to all of you.

Until next time…please think compassion.